Finding the Joy Again

For the past while, I've been feeling... Not so great about being a mom. Most of the time, I felt ambiguous at best, and, at worst, like running away and leaving them behind. This is really off for me, as I've wanted to be a mom since I was old enough to know I could be someday. Also, while every mother has those moments, or even days, when she wishes life were different, it was now the rule for me instead of the exception.

For a long time, I don't think I even noticed. Then I recognized it, but I was still too bogged down in my own drama to try to change anything. Then it started to bug me, but because I couldn't see how to change, I just felt worse. Then it bothered me enough that I wanted to change enough to put forth whatever effort was required. Then I hit my knees and prayed... And help started coming at me in rapid fire succession!

First came comments from other mothers (real and fictional) who not only loved their kids, and being with them, but almost basked in their childish craziness! Yeah, right, I thought.

Then I had a really bad day with them, and my mom said something like, "They're languishing from lack of attention from their mother." Ouch. So I cried and prayed some more.

On Sunday, the lesson was based on the talk by Elder Oaks on Desire. Through the lesson, I realized that my actions weren't reflecting what I wanted my priorities to be, and I didn't feel the way I wanted to feel about my life. Luckily, I also learned how to fix it!

"... We should begin with a desire for such qualities and call upon our loving Heavenly Father for help with our feelings."

So I did. And I'm happy to report that I have made a lot of progress this last week in rediscovering my love for my children and motherhood, my good temper, my personal parenting style, and the ability to hear and act on in-the-moment inspiration. I've been able, perhaps for the first time, to successfully balance loving affection with firm, gentle discipline, and see the rewards. I'm grateful to finally be on the right path.

I know Heavenly Father loves me. He knows who I am capable of becoming, and how to get me there. He stands ready and willing to help me as soon as I'm ready to ask for it. I'm grateful for the Atonement, and how it allows me to sponge away the follies and sins of my past and create a better, brighter future.

Here's a link to the talk by Elder Oaks:

Elder Oaks - Desire
- Arienne

So you think I'm picky?

Picky adj choosy, finicky, captious, critical, dainty, fastidious, fussy, particular, persnickety, exacting, selective, hard to please

So you think I'm picky, huh? My standards are too high? I expect too much from men?

Dang straight! And I have good reasons!

First of all, I've experienced some of the worst in men. Not THE worst, I know, but bad enough to teach me that I WASN'T picky enough last time. There's NO WAY I'm going through THAT again.

And I have four other very good reasons to be picky. They need a strong, good role model of what being a man is supposed to be, and also how women should be treated.

So yes, I expect a man to:
* Do the asking and planning of a date
* Open my doors and pull out my chairs for me
* Pay for the date
* Honor his priesthood
* Have a solid knowledge of the Gospel
* Go to his church meetings as often as possible
* Have a strong testimony
* Be well-educated, whether through a degree or self-educating
* Take care of his body by eating well and exercising
* Love children
* Expect the norm to be me staying home with the kids while he works
* Take me to the temple
* Think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
* Care about what I have to say, and show it.

There may be more on my list I just can't think of right now.  I'll add comments as I think of them.

But I am not ashamed of the things on my list.

And if you can't handle it, you aren't the man for me.

I will NOT YIELD!

/rant over

Sometimes You Leave (Moving On)

Today, I looked in the mirror and recognized myself for the first time in a long time.

Last summer, I found myself doing something I never expected or wanted to do - walking away from my marriage. And while I knew I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, I struggled with why that was the right decision.

Anyone who knows anything about me, knows that music is an important part of who I am. If you really know me, you know it's not just important; it's essential. It's how I process life. So of course I've been looking for the right song. Last week I found it.

Sometimes You Leave
Carrie Underwood

All the rain drops
In the sky tonight
Can't compare with all the pain
And all the tears I've cried
But now I'm done

All the make-believe
Locked in this picture frame
Is gonna stay behind
Along with all the burning rage
That's been tearing through my heart
Killing me slowly; every beat I was falling apart

Sometimes you give
Sometimes they take
Sometimes you bend and
Sometimes they break you down
Sometimes you stick around
Trying to change them, make them
Something that they'll never be
And sometimes you leave

All this time I've spent
Staring at the door
I never had the strength to
Pack my bags and leave before
But now I'm done
Been lying to myself when it's clear
That you're not the one

Sometimes you give
Sometimes they take
Sometimes you bend and
Sometimes they break you down
Sometimes you stick around
Trying to change them, make them
Something that they'll never be
And sometimes you leave

When there's nothing left to leave behind
And you're already too far gone to say goodbye

Sometimes you give
Sometimes they take
Sometimes you bend and
Sometimes they break you down
Sometimes you stick around
Trying to change them, make them
Something that they'll never be
And sometimes you leave
Sometimes you leave

Yep. Can't say it better. And after some pondering and praying, I finally came to peace. Then I looked in the mirror and recognized myself for the first time in years. And I smiled.

Life is beautiful...

So, I had a baby. She's lovely and perfect, and the easiest baby I've ever had.  She already does a 5 hour stint at night (the tough part is it doesn't start until midnight), doesn't mind being put down, and even demands free time on the floor!  She sociable and chatty, and loves a clean diaper, although she doesn't much like getting dressed or undressed.  I don't remember how long it took Tristan to go blonde, but it looks as though we might just have a brunette!  And of course her eyes are blue, though what kind of blue is still a mystery.

Tristan is doing well. He listens in on Kael's school lessons, and sometimes comes up with the answers before Kael. Yikes! He knows how to sing the alphabet, and can recognize all the letters, lower- and upper-case. He can also count to about 13 without skipping, and then proceeds to 40, skipping the numbers that end in 3, 4, and 5.  He can also tell you what sounds certain letters make.  I don't know how I'm going to keep him intellectually interested until he's old enough to start kindergarten!

Kael is loving online school at home, which we do through the AZVA.  He just wasn't socially ready for public school, but has proven repeatedly and beyond doubt that he's smart enough.  He recently took a state standards test, and scored WAY above what was needed for E (the highest grade) in all but one category, in which he got an E but was being a perfectionist and so he didn't get as far.  It's been fun to watch him as he learns, seeing the light come on, and the excitement for learning in his eyes.  We'll definitely be doing this again next year.

Elizabeth came home for school for this semester, too.  It was what I wanted, but in the end, she wanted it too, citing many reasons: she was often bored in school (sounds familiar... and who knew?), the kids were naughty a lot and it bugged her, especially when they got her in trouble too, she wanted to be able to sleep in, and she wanted to learn at her own pace.  It's only been a week, but so far, we both love it. It took me a couple of days to get a good rhythm, but it's coming together, and I think we're going to have a lot of fun.

Yesterday, I hit the six week mark postpartum, and started to exercise again. I started with some DDR (Dance Dance Revolution), until I get a little more in shape, and then I'll start running to train for the marathon with my dad.  Also, I re-entered the singles scene on New Year's Eve with a dance for the YSA's in our area. I went with my brother, Rhydon.  I had a lot of fun, just meeting a bunch of new people and dancing to music that I didn't recognize, but had a good beat.  Except for a few songs that were remixes of songs I knew when I was "young;" I'm so old!!!  I even danced with a few cute guys my age.

So that's life for us right now.  Hope all of you are doing well too!

Happy New Year!

When Life Gives You Pumpkins

We've all heard the phrases. Cliche, quaint, overused phrases people use when bad things happen.

Every cloud has a silver lining.
When God closes a door, he opens a window.
When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

But what about when life hands you pumpkins?  And sometimes, that window is really high off the ground.  And it sure is hard to see silver when there's no sun shining.

That's when it's time to turn to Heavenly Father.  He knows when the sun will shine, He knows what to do no matter what life hands you, and He knows how you're supposed to get out that window, whether it's climbing down the fire escape, or grabbing on to Him and flying.  And I'm ready to make some pumpkin pie.

I will soon begin a new chapter in my life as a single mother.  To start, I'll be taking the kids and moving back in with my wonderful, supportive parents in Arizona.  And that means getting rid of a lot of stuff, and starting fresh. I'm going to have a HUGE yard sale (or two), so if you're in the Rexburg area, be sure and stop by!  Everything must go! Liquidation sale! Going out of business!

It wasn't easy getting here, but I know that He understands, and is with me every step of the way.  And with faith in every footstep, I'll go where He wants me to go.

P.S.  Along these lines, I have changed my blog address. This won't affect those of you who are already following my blog, or who get email updates when I post something new. But it is different, and I hope will symbolize this new phase of my life. It is http://sweet-hour-of-prayer.blogspot.com/.