For the past while, I've been feeling... Not so great about being a mom. Most of the time, I felt ambiguous at best, and, at worst, like running away and leaving them behind. This is really off for me, as I've wanted to be a mom since I was old enough to know I could be someday. Also, while every mother has those moments, or even days, when she wishes life were different, it was now the rule for me instead of the exception.
For a long time, I don't think I even noticed. Then I recognized it, but I was still too bogged down in my own drama to try to change anything. Then it started to bug me, but because I couldn't see how to change, I just felt worse. Then it bothered me enough that I wanted to change enough to put forth whatever effort was required. Then I hit my knees and prayed... And help started coming at me in rapid fire succession!
First came comments from other mothers (real and fictional) who not only loved their kids, and being with them, but almost basked in their childish craziness! Yeah, right, I thought.
Then I had a really bad day with them, and my mom said something like, "They're languishing from lack of attention from their mother." Ouch. So I cried and prayed some more.
On Sunday, the lesson was based on the talk by Elder Oaks on Desire. Through the lesson, I realized that my actions weren't reflecting what I wanted my priorities to be, and I didn't feel the way I wanted to feel about my life. Luckily, I also learned how to fix it!
"... We should begin with a desire for such qualities and call upon our loving Heavenly Father for help with our feelings."
So I did. And I'm happy to report that I have made a lot of progress this last week in rediscovering my love for my children and motherhood, my good temper, my personal parenting style, and the ability to hear and act on in-the-moment inspiration. I've been able, perhaps for the first time, to successfully balance loving affection with firm, gentle discipline, and see the rewards. I'm grateful to finally be on the right path.
Here's a link to the talk by Elder Oaks:
Elder Oaks - Desire