Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Goin' Courtin': Saying Yes Means Saying No

Saying yes is fantastic, and I'll get to that in another post later.

Saying no is not so fantastic.

Dating is fun. You get to meet all these new people.  They compliment you, point out all the good things about you, you have fun together, you get close with people. Relationships like that are essential to most human's well-being.

Dating is hard.  You build all these relationships, share yourself with all these people.  In the end, you're going to have to say goodbye to most of them.  No matter what people may say, sometimes you can't be just friends.

Sometimes it's all or nothing.

Sometimes it's now or never.

So we find someone for whom we want to give it all, right now and forever.

Saying yes to that feels wonderful!  There's no feeling in the world like being chosen by the one you want.

This does lead to saying to no to the others.  You're saying no to possibilities. You're saying goodbye to friends you love and care about.

And that hurts.  And you might feel angry, sad, depressed, or even guilty.

I have learned that if you are making the choice that is right for you, the choice that is in your best interest, those feelings will be temporary.

The joy and elation of choosing and being chosen always wins out.

Last week, I decided I wanted to say yes to someone.  I'll go into more detail about that later.

But saying yes to him meant saying no to all the other guys I have been dating.

The thought made me sick.

I am a very empathetic, compassionate person.  It's all too easy for me to feel what others are feeling, or to feel in anticipation what I would imagine they would feel.  Hurting all these men with whom I had grown close and cultivated relationships scared me.  I was suddenly filled with dread and doubt.  Was I making the right choice?  Was I ready to be with just one?  Saying no now would in all likelihood mean saying no forever.

But I couldn't keep them all.  And I really wanted this one.  So I had to suck it up and do it.

It was hard.

It hurt them.  It hurt me.

I took time between each one to mourn the loss of the friendship, and the loss of possibility.

Inevitably, I ended up happy again.  I remembered why I was ending things, why I had made the choice I made.  I would then spend a while with this ridiculous grin on my face before I moved on to the next ending.

Whatever happens in the future, I will always remember these men who helped me along my way, who helped me recover from my divorce and all that pain, who helped me find myself again.

You may always carry a place in your heart for those to whom you said, "No."  That's okay.  You should.  They helped you get to where you are, and become who you've become.  Never forget.  But don't get swallowed up in it.

Let yourself love.  It's the best gift you can give to the people in your past, the people in your present, and the people in your future.

Happy courtin'!

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